living life alone
stuck in limbo
frozen to the spot
can’t make a move
fear of failing and the unknown
don’t know what to do
which choice to choose
stay in autopilot
forget about the problems.
living life alone
Yea so I’ve got quite a few phobias…some are pretty normal and some could probably be considered more of a pet peeve or some form of OCD. Anyways, I figured I’d share them with you.
Oooo, shocker right? It’s so cliche, but I tell you, I am really afraid of spiders. Living in Texas this past year, I’ve gotten sort of used to the tiny ones. And by tiny, I mean microscopic–as in not able to see them. If you’d ever like to see a good show, then hang around me when there’s a spider around. Bad news though, the best shows come in moments where there is a spider near me, but no one around to save me. It normally turns in to a two hour situation with hairspray and vacuum cleaners that typically ends up with me locking myself in the bathroom and sleeping in the tub. Not joking.
So I think this is a valid phobia, although I haven’t really come across others who share this one with me. Broken bones are like so freaking effing scary gross and..I…I can’t even think about it. One time I was playing poker at Half Time Bar & Grill (Rep yo city), I looked up at the TV to see what I thought was a normal arm wrestling competition going on. Turns out, the show was some weirdest accidents or whatever kind of thing, and suddenly one of the guys arms just snapped. SNAPPED! Right down the middle of his forearm. I immediately fell out of my chair, started hyperventilating and moaning, as if it had happened to me.
All I know is that if you are around and I ever break a bone, you better bust out whatever drugs you have son, because I don’t care if it hurts or not, I will be freaking out. eff. I mean just think about what is happening to the surrounding tissue and nerves and whatever else if your freaking arm is snapped in half….gah!
Needles or ANYTHING Having to do with Veins
To understand this phobia of mine, all you need to do is read my post about what to expect during a ct scan with contrast.
Random, right? Well not so much. This stems from a moment I had during childhood. Children are very impressionable, so (as you know if you are a parent), tread lightly on what you say to them.
One day, my mom started running the washer to do a load of laundry. I decided to put my hand under the running water to see what it felt like. My mother saw me and became very upset. She told me never to do that again. She also told me I should never get near the spinney thing because it might grab me and pull me in. Alas, phobia of washing machines…to this day I always feel somewhat afraid when putting the clothes in the washer, because the spinney thing might grab and pull all 125 pounds of me in.
Windex & Other Spray Cleaners
I get really freaked out when I am at a restaurant or my house, someone is cleaning, and spraying the cleaner onto the surface they are cleaning. That spray is just bouncing off the surface and going all into the air all like “wooooo lets find someone’s lungs to go get in”. I, and the red cross, prefer if people would spray directly into the rag or cloth they are cleaning with. It just makes more sense. You aren’t wasting as much and you aren’t jet powering those cleaner particles all over the room for people to breath.
I also cannot stand being at a pool or a beach and suddenly I get a mouth full of sunscreen because some mom 10 feet upwind of me is spraying their kid down with it. Are they fearful of touching their own child? Because not only am I getting a mouthful being down wind and all, but their child looks like a dumb ass with drips and streaks of sunscreen that hasn’t been rubbed in.
So that is all for now. When you have so many issues, it’s kind of hard to think about them all at the same time. I’ll add more later.
I typically prefer patron tequila to most other tequilas if I am drinking as a connoisseur. However, the cost just isn’t too efficient for me on the regular, so when I don’t feel like spending the extra mile to get my favorite, I just go with some Silver Jose Cuervo. Well, this past weekend, I got schooled at the package store.
I went to the counter, Jose in hand, and the clerk asked if he could give me a suggestion on a better brand of tequila, same size, that would be cheaper than Jose. I scoffed because I really never drink anything that is cheaper that Jose, but said sure. He told me about Sombrero brand tequila and informed me that it is 100% Agave. The price i normally pay for a bottle of Jose is $20.99 and the same size for Sombrero would only cost me $11.99. He said the taste was great and that obviously I would be less likely to have a hang over because of the 100% Agave factor. I obliged and purchased the Sombrero instead.
The clerk then informed me there really is no difference, besides some food coloring, between Jose Silver and Jose Gold. He also went on to say, shockingly, that the majority of Jose brand tequila is made up of gain alcohol which is basically vodka. What?! I’ve been drinking vodka this whole time? wtf mate?
It took me a few minutes to get used to the switch in tastes, but it turns out I actually like the Sombrero Silver. I’ve never cared for the taste of Don Julio too much, so I can tell you I prefer the price and taste of Sombrero. Woo hoo for new things.
Often, I am struck with a very deep longing to have a kid. Longing that takes my breath away. I guess it’s just one of those things I get to experience in being a woman. I honestly think my kid would be damn cool and I think I would be a great parent, not that I would be perfect or anything. Problem is, I’ve got a career to maintain, I don’t fit the typical mold for a SAHM, and, if I did have children, I would want to stay at home with them so they could learn their awesomeness from me. Typically, men I’ve come across in life, that I feel could be my equal, are of the opinion that there shouldn’t be “housewives”. My opinion is that I don’t need to be working if I am preggo. Call it sexist if you want, but every lady’s body handles pregnancy differently. I’m sure I’d be one of the psycho types. Here’s a piece,
Why Women Shouldn’t Want to Have It All
I somewhat agree with this. If I did have kids, I most likely wouldn’t be the best at my job any longer. And I believe, if I’m not the best, what’s the point of doing it?
Sometimes I even dream about a happy little family, me in a little apron cooking dinner, husband coming home to a perfect house and giving me a big huge kiss, and then I think “FUCK! Is this normal? That shit doesn’t really exist, does it? Happiness couldn’t be that simple, right?”
When I was a kid, I envisioned myself with children, although there was never a significant other in any of my dreams. I used to always think I would just end up as a single mom or a lady who, after years of miserably failing relationships, decided to have a baby on her own. But slowly over time, I’ve started to believe that I’m just not going to get the chance to experience that part of life. It doesn’t seem logical for me.
Anyway, I go about my business in life not expecting to have children, and for whatever reason; I meet a cool kid, see a cute baby, baby shoes or something, and sometimes just because, I am struck with this painful feeling inside that says I need to have a child. It feels good at first, but reality sets in, and then it’s just depressing. Another part of being a girl, I guess. Also, it seems like every month, someone else is getting preggo or giving birth. Most of the friends I have in my age group are on there second and third kids now. I’m subjected to living vicariously through their sonograms and professional baby photos. I get to see all the cute videos of their kids dancing or laughing or whatnot. I don’t know what makes me get over it, because when I get that feeling it is so intense, but eventually, it goes away. Then it comes back. It’s confusing, because I actually consider that I might have a kid someday, then I go right back to my life, my career, without children.
Here’s another story about a women who tied her tubes at 26. I couldn’t imagine, though she has great reasons.
One of my most complimented meals is also one of the easiest to make. And actually, it’s two, or even three, meals. I start with a whole chicken that I cook in a crock pot. Cook time is variable depending on the size of the chicken. If you use something small like a Cornish hen, it takes less time to cook. If you use something larger such as a turkey, then obviously, it will take longer.
For a regular sized whole chicken, put it in your crock-pot on low and let it sit for about 7 hours. You don’t need to add anything, but sometimes I like to add a Swanson’s flavor boost pack or a small amount of chicken broth. If you want to spice it with salt and pepper, or garlic, or whatever you favorite spice is, give it a shot.
Once the chicken is finished cooking, and delicious, there are several things you can do with it. I always keep the legs and thighs to the side and try really hard not to munch on them. You’ll also want to leave the left over stock in the crock pot, but make sure you get out any tiny bones that might’ve fallen in while cooking. Sometimes I eat the breasts and sometimes I turn them into a great homemade chicken salad. When you are separating the pieces, make sure you keep the large bones and the bits of fat and skin that fall off. They’ll add extra flavor to the homemade chicken stew.
For the chicken stew, my recipe isn’t really a science. It calls for faith, imagination, and trust in your palette.
You can use the bones or not, but if you do, add them back to the stock. Then, add a couple of cans of cream of chicken and cream of mushroom to the left over stock/drippings from the chicken in the crock-pot. Use as much as you want. If you have a large crowd, use a lot and add more chicken stock.
I also add a combination of vegetables from the freezer like Lima beans or green beans, canned vegetables such as corn, and fresh vegetables like okra or zucchini.
If you are using frozen vegetables, add them first, so they’ll have a little more time to thaw out. Fresh and canned vegetables can go in about 15-20 minutes later depending on what temp you are using. I normally go with high on the crock-pot, unless I am just super relaxed and have time to kill. While you’re waiting for those to thaw in your stew base, pull the chicken, fat and skin off the bones. I like to cut up the skins into tiny little pieces. Set the meat to the side.
If you decide to use pearl onions or something of the like, maybe potatoes even, you’re going to want to either cook those with the chicken or cook them in the stock until they are done before adding the other ingredients. I also recommend sauteing them first and then adding them if you just don’t have time to wait for them to get soft. They take forever, and uncooked onions can ruin the entire dish.
After you add your fresh or canned vegetables, wait for about 10-15 minutes, again, depending on how high of a temperature you are using. Once you see the vegetable are cooked, add the chicken. Let a little time pass to get the chicken warmed up again, and then you can enjoy!
The great thing about this recipe is it is easy to make. You can add the ingredients you want, and you would really have to try hard to screw it up. It a great comfort food for winter, or in case you are like me, for whenever you’re feeling down and need a little “foodie pick-me-up”. AND, it’s cheap. You can get a chicken from around $3 to $10 bucks depending on where you are shopping, frozen vegetables are hella cheap, and we should all have a crock-pot.
I’ve had this story posted in a note on my Facebook account for a few years, but I want to share it here too.
I also want to say that Mr. Lashley was (and still is) extremely dear to my heart. His methods were tough, but he is one of the best influences I have ever had. When nearly everything in my life was falling apart, he literally provided the structure that kept me together. He taught me about several things in life regarding time, respect and dedication. I will never be able to express to him what he means to me.
Here’s the note:
I spent most of my high-school career in Mr. Lashley’s office. [My best friend] Brittany was there with me most of the time too..lol : )
Occasionally, Mr. Lashley would share different stories with me that he liked.
I’d know one was coming because he get out a book or a piece of paper, grin, and he’d say “Miss Meredith, I want to tell you a story.”
I remember some of the stories very well as they always seemed to fit whatever situation I was going through at the time.This one is called Yelling. It is a story from the book All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. It goes:
In the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific some villagers practice a unique form of logging. If a tree is too large to be felled with an ax, the native cut it down by yelling at it. (Can’t lay my hands on the article, but I swear I read it.) Woodsmen with special powers creep up on a tree just at dawn and suddenly scream at it at the top of their lungs. The continue this for thirty days. The tree dies and falls over. The theory is that the hollering kills the spirit of the tree. According to the villagers, it always works.
Ah, those poor naive innocents. Such quaintly charming habits of the jungle. Screaming at trees, indeed. How primitive. Too bad they don’t have the advantages of modern technology and the scientific mind.
Me? I yell at my wife. And yell at the telephone and the lawn mower. And yell at the TV and the newspaper and my children. I’ve even been known to shake my fist and yell at the sky at times.
Man next door yells at his car a lot. And this summer I heard him yell at a stepladder for most of an afternoon. We modern, urban, educated folks yell at traffic and umpires and bills and banks and machines–especially machines. Machines and relatives get most of the yelling. But never trees.
Don’t even know what good it does. Machines and things just sit there. Even kicking doesn’t always help. As for people, well, the Solomon Islanders may have a point. Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them.
Stick and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.
So many websites use trib.al URLS and I just can’t figure out for the life of me why. They suck! There is at least one day a week (sometimes more) when I cannot access anything (besides a 404 error) that is being pushed through a trib.al link. I’ve tried multiple computers, browsers, IPs, etc. and they just don’t work a lot. It’s such bad business. There are several big names that use them, too, and it makes no sense. Do they know how much traffic they are missing out on? Apparently not. Not to mention, the tracking data get messed up. I am seriously about to go ape s*** over the use of these.
Ok, rant done.
Let me start by saying I do not like needles. At all. For anything.
If you have to get a CT scan with contrast, you’re probably wondering what to expect. I know I looked for information online before mine, so maybe this will help you understand the procedure.
I’m going to share my actual reaction to the procedure first, then I will share what you can really expect when you go in for your CT scan. My reaction comes from a real phobia of injections, needles, and basically anything having to do with veins. Instead of just going to get it done, I stupidly did all sorts of research about the IV contrast the day before, so it was very fresh in my mind. This reaction is a conversation I had with someone close to me after the procedure was over. They will be referred to as “D”.
D: how’d your procedure go?
ME: it was pretty horrible. The shit to drink was horrible and it was a lot fucking more to drink than the last time i did this shit. Although in hindsight, that shit wasn’t nearly as horrible as what was to come. Then, they couldn’t find a vein vein vein vein vein vein VEIN(!) to put the super effing giant needle in. They had to call a super duper VEIN NEEDLE specialist to look for a vein and insert the needle into my vein..had a special light and shit and they had to do it in the dark and whatnot, and even after he was done digging all in my effing arm, he still wasn’t sure of himself, so he had three nurses squirt saline in me to feel and test if it was squirting into my muther fucking VEIN or my damn wrist. He didn’t believe me when I told him I could taste that shit in my mouth. At that point, I was sooo fucked up in the head, I told them they were about to have to put me down if they were going to get any scan done with me involved.
ME: They did some scanning and then it was time to add the contrast via the needle in my VEIN and all I could think was that son of a bitch didn’t get my VEIN and I was about to have iodine or whateverthefuck injected into my wrist. Not to mention, I was scared, because I’ve acquired so many allergies to meds, that they were going to inject that shit into my VEIN and then we would find out I was allergic, upon death. In trying to figure out any way to make myself calm, before the nurse added the contrast, I asked her “So, the chances of us finding out I’m allergic to this shit are very small, considering I have been drinking it for the past hour, right”…like a fucking dumbass question asker. She said that I needed to calm the fuck down (not in those exact words).
D: I wonder why he didn’t believe you could taste it? that is SO common with saline IV
ME: Because he thought he missed the vein and if he did, I wouldn’t be able to taste it. They knew I was freaking out, so of course he would think when he asked me, I would just tell him what I thought he wanted to hear.
D: so did you see anything weird on your adrenals? or did they say anything about it?
ME: I didn’t see shit. And they told me they wouldn’t have the results…plus none of them were doctors, so I doubt they would’ve said anything anyway. Also, I know I’m really smart and all, but IDK WTF an adrenal looks like. : )
After the first round was over, the nurse asked me if i had been sick for a long while?? I don’t know if that means she saw something or not….and actually, I guess she was a the technician, not a nurse. or maybe both.
D: did you say “yes.. I have been sick of fucking needles in my VEINS all my life…” ?
ME: LOL, not exactly, but earlier when they asked me what I was stressed about, I told them “I don’t like anything having to do with VEIN medicine” lololol
ME: In the words of Randy Jackson: That iodine shit was crazy, dawg.
So, traumatic for me, yes. For you? Unless you’re crazy like me, no. The short story is you get there two hours before the procedure to prep. I had oral and intravenous iodine, so I had to drink a huge bottle of nasty water first. They take you in, get you hooked up to an IV, then they put you in the scanner. I’ve heard some people who are claustrophobic have issues with the scanner, because it is all around you, but it really wasn’t a problem for me. They do one round of scanning before they put the iodine in your IV. You have to be very still and not move at all, but it only takes a minute or so. Then they pull you out of the scanner and add the iodine. You get a rush of heat across your body and you WILL feel it in your fruit of the loom. Some people say it feels like you have to pee, but I just say it just feels like a huge warm rush. They put you back into the scanner for another round of scanning, then it’s over.
UPDATE:: I’ve gone back to the cardiologist after the results of the CT Scan to see what the next step is. He has referred me to another cardiologist and says they will perform an EP Study/Ablation.
I’ve been writing this post for about two months now, so if it seems sort of choppy, please excuse.
Since January, I’ve been dealing with an issue that is, among other things, taking away from my overall quality of life. It’s current diag-nonsense is SVT, Supraventrical Tachycardia, or high heart rate. Doctors are still trying to figure out what is causing it. Here’s my story, not that you care to hear it.
On my way to work one morning, about a week before January 25th, I was driving my usual route, which takes about an hour. I was about 20 minutes away from the office when I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of someone squeezing my heart. The was no pain, but it literally felt like someone reached their hand into my chest and squeezed my heart. I immediately pictured the moment in Wayne’s World where he pulls the guys heart out and it is still beating in his hand. This episode lasted maybe a total of 15 seconds and was followed up with a dull aching pain in my left arm. It scared me, but since it had stopped, I didn’t think too much of it at the time, other than that I had never felt anything like it before.
The day moved on and by the time I got home, I noticed my chest was pretty sore as it I had been lifting a bunch of weights. Again, I tried to just blow it off as a random occurrence.
The next morning, it happened again. The same way, almost at the same place on my route to work as the morning before, and about as long. It was happening where my heart is and not on the other side. As I had been completely unaware of my heart up until this point, I started getting scared. It happened the same time every morning and the symptoms were getting worse each day.
I had recently been treated for strep throat and being I hadn’t had strep since first grade, I thought maybe I was having some sort of adverse reaction. I went to the doctor who treated me to tell him what I was experiencing. He said my heart rate was a little high, gave me an EKG and chest X-Ray, gave me two days worth of Xanax, and made me sign a LMA waiver (leaving against medical advice) before I went. He assured me he thought nothing was wrong and that it was probably short term side effects of the high doses of amoxicillan and prednisone I’d just come off of. Still, he made me sign that leaving against medical advice waiver so of course that didn’t sit right.
Skip to a week later and it got to the point where I felt as if I was running, full-speed, all the time. Sometimes it felt like someone had a chain connected to my sternum and was pulling me forward and other times I had relief from leaning forward. Eventually, the pain in my left arm and shortness of breath led me to head to the ER. When I got there, I was dizzy (probably from panicking) and they immediately rushed me to the back. At that point, my resting heart rate was 144. They said I wasn’t having a heart attack, per the EKG they hooked me up to, but they were going to treat me for one. They ran tests, did another chest x-ray to check for pulmonary embolism, etc., They said it definitely wasn’t anxiety, but was heart related, so they gave me a prescription for a beta blocker, metoprolol, and referred me to a cardiologist.
Upon meeting the cardiologist for my consultation, he immediately stated that, because of my age, there was probably nothing wrong. I found that to be funny because the nurse from the ER I had just seen in the ER told me that there are much more young people dying these days from heart problems because they go overlooked due to their age. He said he wanted me to wear a Holter monitor for two weeks and at the end of the two weeks, I would come in for a stress test and echo-test. They didn’t have any monitors on hand, so they said they were going to mail one to me and it would arrive at my home in 2-3 days. A week passed, and no monitor. Another week passed and it was time to go do my stress test.
During the stress test, I met 102% of my max heart rate, which is good. I thought for sure I’d be dead in the first five minutes…but I managed to make it through the entire test, plus an extra two minutes to complete the last cycle. After that, I had an echocardiagram. It was pretty cool. The technician let me listen to the sound of my heart, from the inside. It was freaky. You could hear my blood squirting through my heart…which sounded like what I imagine to be the sound of a cut jugular squirting all over the place.
The cardiologist said that my tests came back normal and there was no indication of structural heart problems. He said I could stop taking the beta blocker when I ran out and my problem should be gone by then.
Three days after I stopped the beta blocker, my heart started racing all the time again. I remember one Saturday shortly after I stopped the medicine, my heart rate wouldn’t get below 135. I laid on the couch for hours and hours trying to be calm, but I just felt like I was going to have a heart attack. The muscles in my chest ached so much and I was so tired. I started taking the beta blocker again and was told the heart racing could be caused by and outside source and to see a primary care doctor.
I went to see a doctor in Keller and he turned out to be very nice. He seemed to take my issue seriously and acknowledged that it doesn’t make sense to suddenly wake up one day and have your heart racing. He said that he thought it was something going on with my heart and his opinion was that, because I am so young, the previous cardiologist didn’t take me very seriously. He suggested it could be a mitral valve prolapse. He referred me to see another cardiologist and said I should have an EP study done.
I went to see the second cardiologist’s physician’s assistant and he immediately wanted me to start wearing a monitor. This was an event monitor that started with a ‘T’, but I cannot for the life of me think of the name. Anytime I felt anything, I had to press these buttons on it and I would have to note my symptoms so they could compare my heart rate to the symptoms. I felt a good bit of relief knowing that someone would be monitoring me 24/7 because at this point I was sure I would keel over at any time from a heart attack.
I received a bill for $4500 dollars for this monitor BEFORE I ever received any results from the monitor. It was so frustrating. I went back to the cardiologist to get my results and he said the only thing he could tell was that my heart rate is high and it has several peaks throughout the day where it is really high. I told him I would’ve told him that for $3000. I was angry because I still had no answers and I was already 10k in the hole. He followed up by saying it could be a rare condition in which a cyst or tumor forms on my adrenal gland and that I should have a CT scan done, but I had to wait a month for that. Ugh. More waiting. Meanwhile, I was losing my sanity and quality of life as the days crept by.
I went for a follow up at my primary care doctor and ended up putting me on an anxiety medicine because I was having a really tough time with this hurry up and wait game. We discussed going ahead with the CT scan ASAP so I wouldn’t have to wait longer for answers. He called the cardiologist to get the orders so he could send them to the imaging center. The cardiologist didn’t even remember, or mark in my chart, anything about a CT scan. wtf. I must’ve come up with that on my own, right?
I had the CT scan last week on Thursday and it was the most miserable time I’ve had in a long while. It was a CT scan with oral and IV contrast, so that made it extra fun. In fact, it was so fun, I’ve created an entire post dedicated to what to expect during an abdominal CT scan which includes a candid breakdown of my reaction to the procedure.
My primary care doctor said the results came back and there “doesn’t appear to be any hyperplasia or tumors on my adrenal”. I wonder if they word it that way to reduce their liability. Still, NO ANSWERS
So I’m headed back to the cardiologist this week to figure out what is next. I am throwing a pity party for myself. I keep telling myself there are tons of people who are in a much worse situation or condition than I, but this is happening to me. I am having to take medicine every day or else I feel like I am having a heart attack. My left arms hurts regularly and I get chest pains throughout the day, even with the medicine. It’s hard to deal with. I feel alone in this problem. Don’t get me wrong, the medicine has helped, but I am one of those people who DOES NOT want to be dependent upon a medication in the form of a pill. What happens when the day comes that I won’t be able to get a refill, i.e. apocalypse, civil war, etc.?
I just want some answers. Why did this suddenly start happening? What is causing my heart to race? What will fix it? When will this be over? When can I get back to being me?